Stranger in my Mind

Introspection

Life is short. You’ve heard this before. I have been dying for a while, aging. Everyone is dying technically. Early 30s feels like the End of Personal History. I’m never going to do anything ever. I’m just a guy. How is it already mid May? I had to put in a lot of overtime at work.

I’m a cynic. I’m a pessimist. I often get a feeling of impending doom. I feel regret. I’m not spiraling out of control. I’m fine, really. Look, I’m the top guy at work, my friends love me, I’m the leader. I’m the guy you call when you have a problem. I will help you and I will ask for something in return. Too much kindness makes you appear weak. Buy me a beer and we are even. I try hard at work, I’ve fallen for the career meme without realizing it. I don’t hate my job. I don’t have much else going on.

My neighbor is a nice guy. I often spend time with him. It’s good to have a friend within walking distance. He’s in his mid 20s and I can feel it in the way he makes everything a contest. He can not take criticism, gets easily offended. He’s online a lot and a "doomer".

He asked me about my screaming. Sometimes I scream when I get woken up by my alarm clock. Sometimes I like to do stupid LARP exercising: I strip down to my underwear and do a HIIT prison workout in my living room, loud music, burpees, I have a pull up bar, I scream. I drink before and during this. Between sets I browse Twitter.

I really got into drinking this year. Brandy and whisky. I like to drink from the bottle. Not a lot, just a little. I’m having a good time. I’m down on crypto. I’ve put a good amount of my money into it and usually buy at the highs. I will never sell. I know I’m wasting money. Crypto is either my ticket to lose my last social obligations or I don’t care.

I have more money than I need anyway. I don’t have anything to spend it on either. Yes, I’m browsing Tinder and Bumble again. Yes, I started hitting on all the females at work. I’m trying to find a reason to live but it’s not easy. Everything is made of plastic, you know what I mean?

I like to go hiking with a heavy backpack. I bought myself a new pair of boots. They have laces with a little buckle at the end. You don’t tie them, just use the buckle. That’s how they got me to spend 250 currency units. Nice gimmick though. “Man, I hate tying my shoes!” I like to run during my hikes. I still lift heavy but I do more volume than before. I’ve become addicted to exhaustion. When you can not talk because you’re breathing too hard. I lay on my back taking deep breaths. There is something primal about it. I’m still a child. I work out and retreat into my mind. I imagine I’m a Spartan. Battle of Thermopylae, I’m there, it looks like the movie 300.

I can’t shake the feeling that time is running out. Is this punishment for always procrastinating? “Guy who never does anything worried he might miss chance to do something.” The more I look into my mind the more I find locked doors. Uncomfortable memories, distracting thoughts, daydreaming, I can’t think about myself without these things stopping me. My mind is not at ease. I’m shipwrecked, lost at sea. I don’t feel in control of my destiny. I’m along for the ride. I feel like I’m being pulled in unknown directions by opposing ropes.

But I don’t need to know where I’m going in life. I’m still young, well, I’m not that old. So far I’ve never had a plan and it’s always worked out somehow. In retrospect, there were points where I almost ruined my life but I never did. My mind may be restless but I’m still in control of my actions. I try to be a better person every day. That’s my goal. I’m content.