The old King of Tulsa

Reviewing Tulsa King Episode 1 because I'm old.

Stallone is in his cell, he’s about to be released after 25 hard years in federal prison. We see a stack of books. He has been reading to “keep what’s left of his brain from deteriorating”. Othello, Middlemarch, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Faust and The Laws of Human Nature are on his table. He gets out, he goes to his old crime family, they tell him they don’t have anything in New York and send him to Tulsa. One of the mafioso makes a sly remark and Stallone breaks his jaw with one punch.

He arrives in Tulsa. Within a minute of being there he beats up a security guard in a weed store, extorts the store owner for money, goes to a bar where he is seduced by a woman who’s going through a divorce. She’s an ATF agent but that’s not revealed until the end of the episode. All the while Stallone makes friends with an african-american cab driver who becomes the first member of his new Tulsa crime family.

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What’s the theme of this show? Crime is cool? The mafia is cool? Beating people up is cool? Well, yes, but not primarily. You see there is a twist, a hidden plot point that only becomes clear by close inspection: It’s set in a post-apocalyptic world.

While Stallone was in prison something must have happened that killed all the young people. We are shown this through visual storytelling. Stallone is 76 (75 in the show for some reason), the girl he picks up in a bar is actually a woman in her 50s. His daughter is in her 30s, she’s married and got kids. The guy he punches is in his 50s too. The security guard Stallone knocks out with one ninja-like throw of a water bottle is in his late 30s but morbidly obese which adds 15 years. Some guy he talks to in a bar is 40 years old. Stallone’s old mafia boss is so old he’s on life support - meanwhile Stallone, who is the same age, is getting into fist fights. Stallone’s black driver is 25, one of the few survivors of whatever happened that killed all the young people.

I get that they wanted to make a show with Stallone. It’s gonna draw viewers, like me, I fell for it. Anyone seen Creed? Stallone’s in that too. He’s old in Creed and it’s part of the story. Did Stallone really have to be the action hero in Tulsa King? Why not give him some young guy as his muscle? Stallone would be the wise mentor, giving him advice, whatever.

Is everyone but me afraid of getting old? My back hurts even more now than it did two years ago when I started this Substack. Let me get old, let me get all of this behind me. Whatever happened to aging with dignity?

I met a guy at a party summer 2021. He was 41 years old. First thing he said to me: “Dystop, you don’t know me. Guess my age!?” He looked like 30 so I said 30. “Wow! I’m actually 41, isn’t that crazy? Everyone thinks I’m young.” Something like that. He said it’s his mentality.

Possibly the most pathetic man I have ever met. It didn’t help that he tried to do “hip hop dance”, as he called it. Made fun of my bald spot too. He was acting like a teenager and people were put off by his “vibe”. At the end of the night, I knew I’d never see him again, I took him aside and told him to act his age, that nobody respects him and that it’s time to let go. He thanked me and said that it took balls to say that. Skinny guy, I don’t think I was being brave. Listen, after 30 you can never put both of your arms above your head when you’re dancing. Looks bad. No singing along to Usher’s hit song “Yeah” either.

Stallone looks like he’s 60. You can be a tough guy at 60. The wrestler Sting is 63 and jumping off of scaffoldings. Stallone could pass for mid-50s. The woman he slept with could pass for 37, maybe. They don’t say her age. They address the perceived elephant in the room in the post-hotel-hook-up scene. She asks him how old he is, he says 75 and she gets upset and leaves over their age difference. She even says he looks like “hard 50”. Stallone responds with a joke that he was hard for their encounter.

He’s not playing himself, is he? He’s not moving much. I wonder how much pain he’s in. Just have his character be 59. I thought he went on all sorts of experimental steroids and got plastic surgery to look younger than he is. What was the point? That he plays a 75 year old when he’s actually 76? Everyone in this show has gotten plastic surgery, everyone looks just a bit off. If he doesn’t look 75 why make Stallone play that age and if he does play that age, why make him an action hero?

He’s hanging out with guys 40-50 years younger than him. He should be the respected grandpa and not threaten them with violence. Look at this picture:

It’s ridiculous.

Look, I’m glad Stallone can still do his job and he’s hopefully going to star in more movies and shows. I’m happy for him. He looks good at age 75. But he wasn’t getting into the ring in Creed, he was mentoring, not competing for the title.

Clint Eastwood was “only” 61 years old when he did Unforgiven. The movie that’s all about how he is too old to be an action star anymore. He’s an old has-been and has to go on one last adventure. Great movie.

I don’t know what it is. Materialism - material value seen in beauty, which diminishes with age? Wealth is declining with age so looks are all most people really have going for them? The influence of Tinder and looksmaxxing on the world? Maybe. I don’t know.

There is a real fear of aging. Nobody wants to admit they are doing it. This goes double for millennials who have to accept that they aren’t the young generation anymore. Maybe it’s that a lot of us thought we would be in a different, nicer place by now. Have a better life, whatever that means. I can’t complain. Well, I can but it’d make me sound suicidal. I’m not btw.

I think this is the millennial midlife crisis. We aren’t buying boats, Harleys or open-top Porsches. Can’t afford them. Instead, we are in denial. In denial that after 35 you’re not going to change anymore. You’re the guy you’ll be until death. It’s not a bad thing - if you’re happy with yourself. If not, well, there is no point in running from reality. It is never too late to change things, it just gets harder and harder.

Anyway, Tulsa King Episode 1:

4/10